I had a tantrum today. I wanted to get on here and write some happy post about some little child saying or a little do-dad from today. But....
You know me, I lay it all out there sometimes. I can't help but show and write how I feel. I try really hard but I almost never fool those closest to me;) But maybe, just maybe, I don't really want to fool anyone. I want someone to care. And I want to know that I'm not the only one who struggles sometimes.
I feel like so much of this school journey for us has been waiting. Always waiting for the next big thing. Waiting for things not to be tough anymore. Waiting to not be struggling financially. Waiting for THE job. Waiting to live closer to family. Waiting.
This life, even filled with so many beautiful things, has taken such a toll on us. No one can ever know the very depths of struggles that we have faced together and words couldn't even do them justice. I know these valleys, as well as the mountains, have developed perseverance and character and depth to our very souls. But still that doesn't mean that I have to like being "pruned."
So back to my tantrum. Honestly, I bet I'm not the only adult who has tantrums either! Oh, I wasn't kicking or screaming or anything (even though I felt like it)but I just felt like being mad. And discontented with what I have.
When my eyes aren't fixed on the right things (ahem...Jesus?), I tend to look down around me with a critical eye and start to feel hopelessness, despair and even anger creep in. And today, I was waiting for something really important that we really needed and it didn't come and it was the culmination of many little things that weren't going quite "right" and it sent me into an immediate funk.
And then I had my tantrum. And I told Ben, "I just want to be mad! I'm tired of trying to be hopeful all the time and waiting and I'm tired of being poor and struggling all the time to make ends meet and feeling like I've failed. I feel like we've been forgotten and we're going to stay in this place forever. Why does life look so much easier for everyone else? I'm just so...tired!" Among other things.
And I had this toddler-like spirit in me that just wanted to cross my arms, turn up my nose, stomp my foot and say, "I just want to be mad, mad, mad!"
And my husband began to gently talk sense and wisdom to me. It took awhile for my heart to want to hear and want to be softened. But the gist of what he said was this: Thinking that other people having it "all together" or have a really easy life is definitely not true. People just hide it well and like to act like everything's great. We need to learn to be content where we are right now. Not looking around us and missing what we have in front of us. We can't waste all this precious time always wishing for the "next thing." We're really going to miss these days when we get there. Days with our little ones who are growing and changing so fast. Time together as a family. So what if we don't have money? Isn't our family more important than that?
And he was right. Darn it. And as I've puttered around fixing dinner, bathing my babies, tucking them in bed, cleaning up after the busy day, I've been thinking about those words and feeling shame at my discontentedness with what I have and what I think I don't have. Or mostly for thinking that suddenly everything's going to be okay when.....
I have a roof over my head, I have enough food for today , I have clothes to wear and most of all, I have my family whom I love with all of my being. I need to learn to be content with what I have, even if this is it. Even if the next "big thing" never comes or doesn't look anything like what we've been hoping it will.
I don't want to look back and see that I wished away all of these precious days wishing for something else.
I want to learn to be content.
I'm all done with my tantrum for now. Well, mostly anyways:) And thankfully I have a big God who can overlook such things and forgive and a loving husband who understands and who cares.
A hymn that has been in my head lately:
"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."