Sunday, August 26, 2012

My Buddha Buddy.

When people who haven't seen us in awhile comment on our kiddos, they don't usually say too much about how much older Samuel looks or how big Eliana is getting; the first thing a lot of people notice is how much Zakkai grew up.

Zakkai was our sweet, chubby, buddha-bellied little buddy and suddenly his legs grew longer, his buddha shrunk, he grew a neck and he started looking like a boy.

Case in point:

                                                         (August 2011)

I came across this picture when I was looking for something the other day and I about cried! Yes, emotional me again:) (But just look at those short little legs and that sweet little grin!!)

But you see, I was already emotional. The fact that Zakkai is a kindergartner hit me hard on Friday. It's been building all week within me. Ben was able to walk to school with us in the morning and the whole way back, the emotions hit me like a brick in the stomach.

When you're child enters school full-time, you say good-bye to a lot of things about their childhood and suddenly they're not fully "yours" anymore. You have to share them with a teacher and the world. You suddenly don't have full control of what they are hearing or learning.

It hit me hard everyday last week that Zakkai wasn't walking alongside me after dropping Samuel off, chattering a mile a minute about things that he saw or what his house will look like when he grows up or the jobs he will have.

I miss my buddy. I feel a lot of guilt over the mornings I had with him that I didn't want to get down and drive cars or do puzzles. The mornings that I brushed him off or was short with him when he asked to do something. It's really hard to let that go and not beat up on yourself. I have never claimed to be perfect and if you know me, then you know it's true! But why, oh why, didn't I take more advantage of the time that I had?!! I knew it was growing short. I knew our precious time before school starting was coming to a close. I knew.

I love my little boy so much and I feel like I'm fighting a battle within myself. One half grieving the loss of the first precious years of childhood and one half celebrating the excitement of what he is about to learn and become.

So please excuse me if I tear up when I tell you my little boy is in kindergarten. I'm not crazy. (Not too much, anyways). I just need a little time to come to terms with the fact that he's growing up.

I'm sure I'll be over it by the time he's 25 or so....


aunt t said...

I had a terrible time when I put Aaron in kindergarten and I was home alone. I wasn't sure I'd have another baby ever again! The Lord has been so good!
I would watch my children on videos and cry and say did I play with them? Where did the time go? I would ask Kimn, was I a good Mom?
I think you have been an excellent A+ Mom!

Grandma W said...

Every Monday morning when I dropped the boys off - all the way through high school - I would tear up. What you have written is the sign of a wonderful, loving mother. We all fall short - but the real reward is when they grow into young adults and you can see the answer to your prayers unfolding right in front of you. God is faithful. When you can't be there - He is.

grandma said...

What A T said is so true only I am asking now that I'm old. I can't remember what I was like as a mom. It did my heart so good to hear good things at our special 60 after dinner party in Co. You kind of forget what you did. Than I have the 4 McGuires that I took care of for 5 years. Oh my... I pray I was a good Grandma. I guess you never stop second guessing.