Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Thinking

I am thinking these days. Thinking about who I am, my relationship with God, who I want to be, etc. That's some deep stuff! This past weekend at the conference, one of the speakers was talking about our gifts that God has given us. She had 3 categories of people and what they do with their gifts. I fell under the category of : Person who spends so much time longing for and envying other people's gifts that I neglect to use my own as effectively as I could.

I did a lot of praying this weekend and received prayer and realized something (and not for the first time!): The words my father spoke over me as a child (you're not good enough/you do not measure up to anyone else/you are not worthy of my love, etc) have held such strong power over me all of these years (hey, it's been a long almost 28 years!) and have manefested themselves in me, producing such insecurity, self-hatred and such a deep longing to be loved just for who I am.

I spend SO much time wishing I had things that other people have. Not physical things (although I do occasionally lust for a dishwasher or a house) but gifts, qualities, character traits. I wish I was neverendingly patient like THAT mom, I wish I always responded so gently like THAT wife, I wish I was an incredibly gifted writer like THAT author or blogger, I wish I could play the piano like THAT person.....you get the point. I am now so incredibly aware of how often I do this! But this weekend for the first time, I feel that the power of my earthly father's words was broken and is being replaced with the gentle, new-every-morning compassionate, and ever so faithful love and words of my Heavenly Father.

I hope that I can learn to like and yes, even love the woman that God created in me. I pray I can be tuned in the unique gifts and characteristics He wove into me when He formed me in the womb. And I pray that I can, with His help, break down all of the barriers that stop me from effectively using them for the kingdom of God. I AM FREE!!!!

5 comments:

Angela Kim said...

I will pray this for you too. Thanks for sharing so honestly. May you re-learn how to walk, in your new found freedom.

Emily and Frank said...

I'm glad you are learning to love yourself- I know I do!! :)

Aimee, Rand, Trey, and Ethan said...

Just wanted to say I appreciated your sharing, too, Heidi! (And not be one of those creepy non-commenting blog stalkers :) I'm so glad the retreat was good for you!

Josh Williams said...

Hey Heidi! Sweet blog. How does the night of the 21st sound for you guys? Sorry it's so far out, but we're both a bit crazy right now...

It was great talking with you; we'll see you guys next thursday!

Alison said...

I love you so much and miss you more than you'll ever know! I am so glad that I happened upon your blog (it's been WAY too long). You are such an awesome women of God and I look forward to hearing what's in store for you with your new found freedom (and seeing more darling pictures of your growing boys - oh my they are getting big!).

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