I am thinking these days. Thinking about who I am, my relationship with God, who I want to be, etc. That's some deep stuff! This past weekend at the conference, one of the speakers was talking about our gifts that God has given us. She had 3 categories of people and what they do with their gifts. I fell under the category of : Person who spends so much time longing for and envying other people's gifts that I neglect to use my own as effectively as I could.
I did a lot of praying this weekend and received prayer and realized something (and not for the first time!): The words my father spoke over me as a child (you're not good enough/you do not measure up to anyone else/you are not worthy of my love, etc) have held such strong power over me all of these years (hey, it's been a long almost 28 years!) and have manefested themselves in me, producing such insecurity, self-hatred and such a deep longing to be loved just for who I am.
I spend SO much time wishing I had things that other people have. Not physical things (although I do occasionally lust for a dishwasher or a house) but gifts, qualities, character traits. I wish I was neverendingly patient like THAT mom, I wish I always responded so gently like THAT wife, I wish I was an incredibly gifted writer like THAT author or blogger, I wish I could play the piano like THAT person.....you get the point. I am now so incredibly aware of how often I do this! But this weekend for the first time, I feel that the power of my earthly father's words was broken and is being replaced with the gentle, new-every-morning compassionate, and ever so faithful love and words of my Heavenly Father.
I hope that I can learn to like and yes, even love the woman that God created in me. I pray I can be tuned in the unique gifts and characteristics He wove into me when He formed me in the womb. And I pray that I can, with His help, break down all of the barriers that stop me from effectively using them for the kingdom of God. I AM FREE!!!!
5 comments:
I will pray this for you too. Thanks for sharing so honestly. May you re-learn how to walk, in your new found freedom.
I'm glad you are learning to love yourself- I know I do!! :)
Just wanted to say I appreciated your sharing, too, Heidi! (And not be one of those creepy non-commenting blog stalkers :) I'm so glad the retreat was good for you!
Hey Heidi! Sweet blog. How does the night of the 21st sound for you guys? Sorry it's so far out, but we're both a bit crazy right now...
It was great talking with you; we'll see you guys next thursday!
I love you so much and miss you more than you'll ever know! I am so glad that I happened upon your blog (it's been WAY too long). You are such an awesome women of God and I look forward to hearing what's in store for you with your new found freedom (and seeing more darling pictures of your growing boys - oh my they are getting big!).
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