Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Hope Deferred...

Scotland, the land of sheep, green hills, lilting burrs and rainy skies, although a place that I long to visit is sadly, not to be our home for the next 3 years.

It's very hard when you have something like this in front of you, not to engage your heart; to hope for it,  to dream about it, plan for it a little. I knew that it would hurt if they said no and I tried to hold my heart in check but unfortunately, I have one of those hearts that refuses to listen and insists on never-ending hope and dreaming, darn it.

I am taking it much harder than Ben. Can I just say that I am so incredibly proud of my husband? He took a big risk to work for this and fly all the way across the ocean and into a culture and system that he doesn't know and he rocked it. Despite the disappointment that he feels, he has immediately found many things to be thankful for. The honor of such an invitation, the fact that he was short-listed and in the top 4, the fact that an extremely well-known scholar in the New Testament was there to listen to his lecture, the kind treatment that he received from everyone he met there, making it a far better experience than his interview last year. The fact that this is one more interview under his belt, increasing his knowledge and experience in that area. And more.

My Ben has handled this with such grace and dignity and I am SO very proud of him. He has grown so much in this past year. He has stared down the abyss of emptiness and confusion and unbelief and has come out on the other side, stronger, gentler, humbler and more sure than ever of Jesus, his reason for living and continuing to hope.

I wish that I could say I was as mature about this! I hope that I will be after I have processed this for a couple more days. I am pretty sad and emotional about it. Despite people's concerns about all of the details of the job or how I would handle being farther away from family or maybe their expectations about where we should or should not be, we were ready to go. It was really exciting to dream about. It would've been an absolutely amazing experience, even with the difficulties!

Trust me, we have faced difficulties; more than most people know. We are not the same people that we were when we started our first adventure in leaving home 10 1/2 years ago. We have been strengthened, broken, rebuilt, challenged and stretched in ways we never ever imagined, let alone asked for!

But that's the thing about being open to what God has for you. It may not look like or be like you expected. In fact, chances are, it won't! But it will be good. In the end, despite all of the pain or growth you experience, it will be good. If you allow God to work in you and are open to the growth.

I couldn't have gone on an adventure overseas 10 years ago. I couldn't have left my home, my family, my comfort zone. But then I took the big baby step of moving out of state. And then a little further a couple of years later. And as difficult as some of these years have been, I am thankful for them. I like the fact that I am stronger. I like the fact that I can say yes to an adventure. Okay....most adventures! There are a few things I can name off that I would not like to do! I like the fact that I know I can rely on God and draw closer to my husband and be okay, even without my family or my comfort zone nearby.

I have wanted to go visit Scotland since a very young age. As a matter of fact, probably a week after Ben got the email with the invitation, I remembered a Scottish magazine that I had bought years ago that I kept because I loved it so. The pictures, the dreams of such an incredibly beautiful place and different way of life. A place that captures my heart. And believe it or not, the main focus of the magazine was this really cool place called St. Andrews. Go figure.

I created a folder on my computer this past month named, simply, "Scotland." I am not sure yet whether to delete it immediately or to save it to look through the websites and pictures when the pain isn't quite as sharp and the disappointment has faded a bit.

I will be okay. I am not crushed. I am strong. We are strong. God is faithful and continues to give us hope, even when we think it's all depleted or we think we can't do this again. I will continue to pray for the next adventure or open door to come (soon) and to hope for it.

But I think it's okay for me to be sad right now and take a little bit of time to work through that.  I think it's okay not to need to hear all the reasons why this specific thing didn't work out or why it wasn't good for us and to just want to have a listening ear and compassionate hearts reaching out. There is a verse that explains this well, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." And maybe someday soon, we'll get to experience the 2nd part of that verse. I want to believe that. I will choose to believe it.

Over and over again.


Aunt t said...

I am so sorry for another disappointment for y'all!
God must be going to use you in a mighty way as He continues to humble you. Just remember He loves you so much and he is working behind the scenes!
Someday soon you'll see and understand!
We just keep giving Him praise..

grandma said...

I love what aunt t said..So true..I called but when you didn't answer I figured you are still trying to understand what or why you are not going to Scotland..We so want to understand God and his ways.. I love you Heidi

Emily and Frank said...

You definitely have the right to grieve. I'm like you- even though I tell myself not to get my hopes up about a new opportunity, my mind starts racing and I start to think about all the possibilities. And then I'm heartbroken when it doesn't work out. I wish I had some wise piece of advice for you, but I don't. All I can say is that I love you, will continue praying for you, and you always impress me with how mature you are in dealing with these setbacks- you might not feel that way, but you and Ben are such great living examples of how to live with your trust in Christ.

mommyoflove3 said...

Thank you so much all three of you for the encouraging comments. We are still trying to trust that something will work out someday...its been hard though. Emily, it doesn't feel like we are mature but thank you so much for your kindness. And your friendship! Love to you all!