Saturday, April 25, 2015


 Sooo.....I don't blog very much anymore, as you may have noticed. I obviously don't need to blog as much for family, as was the intention when I first started blogging while we lived away from home. Plus, I often feel discouraged from writing and sharing and feeling like I'm talking to myself!

I often think of posts while I'm driving or trying to go to sleep at night. As a matter of fact, I have brilliant blogging ideas late in the night! I just forget to blog them when it comes time to blog! :)

One of the things I think about the most is how different our life looks now as opposed to the past 9 years or so. It's starting to feel like another lifetime. Probably because nothing we are doing resembles what we were working for all those years in Chicago. Sometimes it hits me. I'll be driving along to work or somewhere, as happened last week, and it will strike me: Ben is a doctor. And he works in a warehouse. Wow.

No one at his work knows he has a doctorate, save a few of the upper management. A few people at our church knows. Our family knows but no one talks about it. It's as never happened. We have good days where we really feel like we are where God wants us. We have gone through  (and are going through) a very deeply rooted healing/weeding out process that has truly changed the way we see life. People. Circumstances. And so most days, we live. We go to work. We run errands. We take the boys to their respective practices. We go to Awana. We hang out. We are.

And we have days every so often where it hits us. And we feel really really sad. And we wonder....why? Why did we do all of that? Why did we make all of those family and financial sacrifices? What good is any of it? Will he ever use his degree or knowledge? Will we ever do anything meaningful with our life again? Why did God answer the prayers of people around us and He didn't answer ours?

Days like those are usually triggered by something. Such as hearing that a schoolmate of Ben's got a good job. Or someone new finding out about Ben's schooling and asking lots of questions. Or an old acquaintance wondering what we're up to.

Those are hard days. But we have a lot fewer hard days than we had a year ago. Things were really dark last spring for us. I don't even like to think about those days yet or remember them. I just know they were really, really hard, dark and lonely.

And yet here we are! We have family close by, which we longed for all the years we were gone. Our boys are finally able to be active in sports, something that wasn't readily available to us or possible where we were in Chicago. We are active in our church, volunteering and doing Awana. We love, love our time together in our little family and treasure it especially since our schedules are so busy with working so hard (and all the extracurricular activities.) There are very good things about our life now.

But we're still waiting. And wondering. Healing and trying to keep hoping. Taking things one day at a time.

Eliana painting at preschool! She dressed up like Elsa for preschool on Thursday:) There are only 2 weeks of preschool left, including a field trip and graduation. It has been fun for me, for the most part. I am very comfortable in a room full of little ones, able to fully be myself, especially with no other adults around! Then I feel unsure of myself and more awkward. Wonder what that says about me??

I had a chunk of my hair cut off yesterday! I always start to look like "It" from the Adams Family after a year between haircuts:) My hair is very, very thick and heavy and needs a little help! I was feeling like a plain Jane so I found a groupon for a nearby salon. Oddest hair stylist I have ever met in my life but I think she did a good job!
 before and after! Before was my thick main, just after I had taken it down for the night. The hair stylist told me I looked Amish.....After, it's not the greatest pic and hard to see because of the light but I got lots of layers, which thinned out my mane, and angling and side bangs. I do like it! I surprised Ben and didn't tell him I was getting a haircut. We were playing outside when he got home last night. He said, "Wow, you look nice!" And he looked at me for a minute and then said, "Your got a haircut!" He really likes it:)

Playing outside yesterday in her little car! She has a little cough this week, leftover from the nasty cold that has been circulating in our family the past few weeks. I was hit hard last week and felt absolutely terrible all week. The boys started it the weeks before and then Ben got it and then it's just been hanging on with Eliana. At least she feels mostly good and can still enjoy the rare days of sunshine!

Let's see....other news. Remember when I asked for prayer about the boys' schooling? Well, we've done tons of praying, talking and checking into options and we are definitely certain that they don't belong in their current school next year. We are not at all happy with it. Zakkai's teacher stepped it up after 2 conferences and is doing pretty well at challenging him. Samuel's teacher just completely dropped the ball and her response to our concerns were highly unsatisfactory. He pretty much lost a whole year of schooling this year.

The good news is that we found a nearby charter school. The boys did some placement testing and did really well and were offered spots immediately! It's free (yea), they have to wear uniforms (I love it, they don't so much, haha!) and it's really challenging. All the classes are advanced classes and they really push kids to try their hardest. We are pretty certain we are going to give it a shot and see if the boys fit well. We've been on a tour and talked to the principal and have just tried to get a good feel for the school.

I am nervous about having them change school again and having it be too challenging but as Ben said, We can always try it for a year and if it doesn't fit or they aren't thriving, they'll be able to go anywhere after that! Please pray for continued wisdom and peace!

Samuel is loving baseball, especially with Coach Ben/Daddy helping the team. As a matter of fact, they are both loving it. They are outside practicing now as I write:) Games start 2 weeks from today so they have been practicing hard. Today was supposed to be the first scrimmage but it's supposed to rain so it will probably be canceled. Darn all these spring rains!

Samuel is continuing to GROW so tall! He's grown an inch since Christmas and eats like he's starving to death! He will be passing me by all too soon! And I'm only slightly freaking out that he will be TEN this summer.....ah!

Zakkai is loving Tae Kwon Do and we are so thankful that he has his own special sport to participate in. He will do his first Belt Testing in May!! He's going through some kind of phase and is a little more emotional these days. It's really hard to get to the bottom of things with him, as he doesn't openly share his feelings (like his two sibling!) so I am praying that I can put aside my frustration and help him work through this.

He really wants to grow like Samuel did and everytime he has a pain in his legs, he says it must be a growing pain:) He always has eaten like a horse and savored every morsel so it's hard to tell when he has a growth spurt!

Eliana is 4 1/2 now and as sweet as ever! Except when she's bossing her brothers around:) She has been SO affectionate lately and tells me she loves me 20 times a day. She loves to play with her baby dolls (Baby Anna and Polly), read books and color! I pray her sweet spirit will only grow stronger as she gets older. She tells me she loves God and that she prays to him and that she wants to be baptized. She has such an assurance of God's love for her that it surprises me sometimes. Pretty amazing. Samuel also is interested in getting baptized; Z is scared to because he isn't comfortable around groups of people. So thankful for my kiddos and just praying that their knowledge of God's love will grow and grow and grow!

So that's all for now, folks. I am considering getting on a blogging schedule to help me get back into it. I just need to really think about my reasons for blogging, who I'm writing to and what I want to write about! If you have any suggestions, my ears are always open!


Grandma W said...

Heidi, your hair looks so nice!!
Let me say that I SO ENJOY reading your blog. Even though you all are close, with Mr. Communication, I feel like I stay in touch with your blog. I know you are both so busy....Please do not stop blogging!
It does hurt sometimes to read about the disappointments, but it is just being real. We are all there with you - not understanding - but trying oh so hard to accept and trust. Somehow the plan is unfolding and there is certainly a purpose - even though we don't see it or understand.
I hope you will continue to blog about everyday things and happenings. I look forward to your postings. Much love.

dwilliams said...

We love reading your blog too! I feel like our years in Chicago (esp Hyde Park!) were a lifetime ago as well, but reading your blog helps us feel connected to your life even though we are now far away (*sniff). We love you guys and still miss you lots!!

Emily and Frank said...

I'm still reading it!! Although I can't blame you for lapsing in blogging since I rarely get around to doing so myself. Maybe it can evolve from a way for you to keep your family informed to your way of journaling what's going on in your lives at a given time. Much love! Hope to see you again soon!

sean_w_johnson said...

The Johnson family still reads your blog! and miss y'all too...

grandma said...

Keep the blogs up if not for all of us do it for you.. it's like a diary of your life..Hope you are keeping them all..Love your cute..We still feel the Lord has a plan for Ben..Right now he needs to heal and as I've said before he seems so content and enjoying his family..God's timing is perfect..