Sunlight Baby

A ray of sunshine....

Full of silly smiles and joy....

Beautiful....

My Darling:)

Today I am thankful for my husband who works so hard to take care of his family, even working 12 hour days on Saturdays. He makes my heart full.

Pictures in Words

I got to the end of today and I went to upload my pictures on to the computer and realized....I didn't take any! With my camera that is....

But I did take a lot with my mind and I'll share with you what I saw.

Today I saw:

*The sweetest baby girl with her hair up in a pebbles ponytail, held by a purple rosette barrette. She was wearing black velvety overalls over a lavender onsie and I must say that purple is beautiful with her rosy cheeks, honey colored hair and guileless blue eyes.

This baby girl crawled around making messes every where she went. She pulled down scraps of paper off of the end tables (a.k.a. tv trays:) and ate them, she tugged out her basket of toys and decorated the floor with brightly colored baby toys, she pulled up on her mommy and daddy's legs begging for hugs and for food.

I see this little princess in my head so clearly and it makes my heart smile.

* I saw a little-turned-big boy dressed in his bright red knitted hat and dark gray buckeye sweatshirt heading off to school. He was running next to me to school because we were running behind (a usual occurrence lately) in his new speedy black and gray tennis shoes. He slipped into line with a minute to spare, bent down to give his baby sister kisses and leaned into me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I hear his sweet "I love you" whispering in my ear still, I see his blue-gray eyes turning back to look at me as he blew me kisses while following his class into school.

And I see those lovely eyes lighting on me with joy when he spotted me after school, coming to bring him home where he is loved.

I see this sweet, handsome boy in my head so clearly and it makes my heart smile.

* I see my trying-to-turn-big boy wearing his red striped shirt and jeans talking to me, always talking. He turns the force of his brilliant blue eyes on me with such directness and intention. He wants me to play with him and contentment washes across his face when I get the baby to sleep and announce that we are going to play a game together before lunch. Just the two of us, sitting on the floor playing 'Zingo' and enjoying each other's company in the quiet. I see a little boy eager to please yet easily overwhelmed with his emotions when I tell him he cannot do or have something....like a piece of candy at 9 in the morning!

I see his little face pressed up close to mine at bedtime, happy eyes smiling and little voice pleading with me to bring my weary, sore body upstairs to tuck him in with his well-loved and worn Rays.

I see this darling, impulsive little boy in my head so clearly and it makes my heart smile.

Tonight I am thankful for my 3 Pictures. They make me smile even when I don't want to:)

Tom Turkey and Thankfulness

It seems like an ideal month to think about thankfulness:) Last night as I was mulling over my melt-down, I was thinking that I need to be purposefully thankful. I've always heard and known that the more you practice finding things to be thankful about, the more things you find to be thankful about!

So in honor of my desire to be content where I am, with what I have, I am going to say something I am thankful for every single day of this month, whether a big thing or a small thing and in no particular order. I am hoping to have the boys join on board with me, too, as I think it is far to easy for kids (or any of us!) to take things for granted. And you can join, too, if you want!

Today I am really thankful for hot soup. We don't have much in the way of groceries and have been stretching our slim pickings to last as long as possible but amazingly, I had all the ingredients for a wonderful, hot pot of black bean soup. With cornbread:) There is nothing like soup to warm your bones on a very chilly, windy, rainy day.
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Little Miss is coming down with a cold:( She was sneezing a lot to day, exhausted yet fighting naps and the runny nose began this afternoon. I hope it will be minor!

I also discovered today that she is afraid of umbrellas. It was so nasty out and I had to use one while holding her when picking up the boys from school. She cried and cried and kept pushing my hand that was holding the umbrella away. I felt so bad for her! Silly baby.
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Every once in awhile, Samuel really likes for me to come up and lay with him in bed for a little while and talk before he goes to sleep. Last night we were talking about random things and I asked him if he had any ideas of what he might want for Christmas.

He said he wants a picture of our family standing next to the Christmas tree:)
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Zakkai had a special school project due today. We had to "disguise" Tom Turkey so that he won't be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner! Z tossed out any ideas that we threw at him (of course) and so we dressed up Tom Zakkai's way.

Presenting: Professor Tom Turkey!

Pretty good, eh? I thought he turned out pretty cute!!
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And last but not least, I committed with a friend to do the 30 Day Shred for 30 days straight this month. (what was I thinking???!!!) I have been needing some motivation to do something other than once-a-week Zumba and here it is. I will blog about my 30 days over on my other blog that is about my journey to getting in shape. If you'd like to join in the commitment this month or just follow along, feel free to pop over here:)

Contentment.

I had a tantrum today. I wanted to get on here and write some happy post about some little child saying or a little do-dad from today. But....


You know me, I lay it all out there sometimes. I can't help but show and write how I feel. I try really hard but I almost never fool those closest to me;) But maybe, just maybe, I don't really want to fool anyone. I want someone to care. And I want to know that I'm not the only one who struggles sometimes.

I feel like so much of this school journey for us has been waiting. Always waiting for the next big thing. Waiting for things not to be tough anymore. Waiting to not be struggling financially. Waiting for THE job. Waiting to live closer to family. Waiting.

This life, even filled with so many beautiful things, has taken such a toll on us. No one can ever know the very depths of struggles that we have faced together and words couldn't even do them justice. I know these valleys, as well as the mountains, have developed perseverance and character and depth to our very souls. But still that doesn't mean that I have to like being "pruned."

So back to my tantrum. Honestly, I bet I'm not the only adult who has tantrums either! Oh, I wasn't kicking or screaming or anything (even though I felt like it)but I just felt like being mad. And discontented with what I have.

When my eyes aren't fixed on the right things (ahem...Jesus?), I tend to look down around me with a critical eye and start to feel hopelessness, despair and even anger creep in. And today, I was waiting for something really important that we really needed and it didn't come and it was the culmination of many little things that weren't going quite "right" and it sent me into an immediate funk.

And then I had my tantrum. And I told Ben, "I just want to be mad! I'm tired of trying to be hopeful all the time and waiting and I'm tired of being poor and struggling all the time to make ends meet and feeling like I've failed. I feel like we've been forgotten and we're going to stay in this place forever. Why does life look so much easier for everyone else? I'm just so...tired!" Among other things.

And I had this toddler-like spirit in me that just wanted to cross my arms, turn up my nose, stomp my foot and say, "I just want to be mad, mad, mad!"

And my husband began to gently talk sense and wisdom to me. It took awhile for my heart to want to hear and want to be softened. But the gist of what he said was this: Thinking that other people having it "all together" or have a really easy life is definitely not true. People just hide it well and like to act like everything's great. We need to learn to be content where we are right now. Not looking around us and missing what we have in front of us. We can't waste all this precious time always wishing for the "next thing." We're really going to miss these days when we get there. Days with our little ones who are growing and changing so fast. Time together as a family. So what if we don't have money? Isn't our family more important than that?

And he was right. Darn it. And as I've puttered around fixing dinner, bathing my babies, tucking them in bed, cleaning up after the busy day, I've been thinking about those words and feeling shame at my discontentedness with what I have and what I think I don't have. Or mostly for thinking that suddenly everything's going to be okay when.....

I have a roof over my head, I have enough food for today , I have clothes to wear and most of all, I have my family whom I love with all of my being. I need to learn to be content with what I have, even if this is it. Even if the next "big thing" never comes or doesn't look anything like what we've been hoping it will.

I don't want to look back and see that I wished away all of these precious days wishing for something else.

I want to learn to be content.

I'm all done with my tantrum for now. Well, mostly anyways:) And thankfully I have a big God who can overlook such things and forgive and a loving husband who understands and who cares.

A hymn that has been in my head lately:

"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."

One Year

Biscuit had her one year check up today. So....I guess it's official now:)

She didn't change too much from her last visit but she did grow longer and I know because she is fitting into her clothes a little better, her head bumps the underneath of the table now and she can reach her fingertips on top of the table:)

She:

* Weighs 18 lbs 2.3 oz

* Is 28 1/4 inches tall

* Wears a size 2 shoe.....in other words: the size of a 3-6 month old. Haha!

* Wears 6-9 month and 12 month clothes (mostly because they are her winter clothes!)

* Is getting longer, thicker hair. It is really coming in in the back and all around the sides. So pretty!

* Is experimenting with standing on her own for a few seconds at a time. She isn't in a hurry to walk at all! And that's fine with me;)

*Looks absolutely adorable with her 2 fangs! She only has 4 teeth and I don't see any more coming in soon.

* Just started saying the word "light" this week. She whispers it and it doesn't sound quite like light but she loves to point out all the lamps to us!

* Is still picking up baby signs and trying to communicate with us a little more. She doesn't seem to be as speedy about it as the boys were but I think we all probably talk enough for her! haha

* Still adores her Baby! She takes it with her out of her crib and brings it downstairs and in the car with us. Baby was a comfort at the doctor's today:)

* Is very anxious about strangers still and couldn't even handle the nurse and our doctor looking at her today, let alone touching her!

* Sings with us when we sing! She says "Ahhhhhhhh" in a soft, sing-songy voice:)

* Loves to eat food! She wants what we have and tonight her schedule was off so she happened to be awake at dinnertime and ate with us for the first time in a LONG time. She loved it!

* Is sweet and cuddly with B and I, loving to spend long moments sitting with us looking at things, reading books and just being with us:) So precious!

* Is changing more and more everyday!

Sweet Girl when we got home from her appointment today, still holding her spoon and all worn out from crying. Such a pretty girl!