De-weeding and letting go.

We were all out in the yard the other day, helping to water the plants and pulling weeds. I had a few minutes to myself on the side of the house, the hot sun beating down on my hatted head. I was reflecting on weeds as I pulled them, knowing they have been used in spiritual applications many times.

Some weeds are actually pretty. They look like happy little plants. Some have flowers or bright colors, like dandelions. They look so harmless, so green and alive. But as I struggled to pull out the roots of these seemingly harmless plants, I remembered that they aren't harmless. When allowed to grow unchecked, they choke the life out of the healthy plants you want to grow. Sometimes the roots come out so easily, others have to be dug out with more force and thoroughness, else they come back again and squelch out life.

This time in our life has been so challenging. We have been and are being thoroughly de-weeded. And it hurts. One day I feel grace and peace enough to get through the day and the next I feel so messy inside. I don't know which way is up and which way is down. Sometimes I can't hear God's voice through the chorus of voices in my life. This has been a harder week for me. And it's only Tuesday....

I've been fighting God on a few different things and that's a yucky place to be. A lot of people have a lot of great ideas of where/what/who we should be right now and it's all born out of love but sometimes God doesn't have the same ideas. I think that I'm coming to the realization that I've been hanging on to some things that I was sure God was going to give us since He didn't "give" us any of the other things we asked for. I've realized that maybe I thought Ben had to let everything go and I could hang on to a few last wisps of dreams.

But no.....God, in his gentle, not-so-gentle way has been quietly pulling out roots and speaking to me about giving in and fully trusting Him with everything. I won't go into too many specifics because I'm not entirely sure how this will all play out in the next week or two but I think maybe God has been saying no to a lot of things lately, like every single bit of housing we have been applying for/looking at, including the one we fell in love with last week, because He wants us to give it ALL up. Every single little thing. Ben has reached that point already and is in a place of a lot more peace than I have been in. He already had to fight through giving up his dreams and any ideas of what a job or the future would look like. It was and is an incredibly painful process. One I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I had to give it all up, too, just not quite in the same way. And the last thing I've been hanging onto is the idea that maybe since we obeyed and walked away and gave up so much, He would bless us with a nice place to live. A house, perhaps, with a yard for the kids to run in and bright windows to welcome in the sunshine. A nice neighborhood, excellent schools, happy neighbors. The whole nine yards. It seems like such a small thing to hope for.

There is an apartment we have been offered; that I'm positive I can get tomorrow if I want. But I don't want it. It's old, ugly and cheap "apartment-y" looking.  It's really small. It's not in the area I wanted to live or wanted my kids to go to school. No, it's not in a bad area and is by pretty good schools but it's not what I wanted! I have been fighting it so very hard. I really, really wanted the brand-new house with the cheery yellow laundry room and the pretty soft gray walls with white trim. I wanted the big backyard and the brand-new deck so we could sit out back on the nice evenings and be still and content. I wanted space and color and a feeling of home!

But God doesn't want me to have it right now. I don't know why. I am struggling to let go of the why. He wants me to want Him. Nothing less and nothing more. Just Him.

I think that I'm not the only one who will have to give this small dream up. I think our families will have to let go, too, and just trust that we will be okay. We will thrive and grow and be okay if our focus is above and not here on earthly things. We are being called to deeper things and a deeper outlook on life that the world doesn't understand. We look crazy from the outside and not many people know what to do with us. But God does know what He is doing and I am praying for the courage and the strength to believe that.

Even if I don't understand it.

Beauty In The Midst.

"Do you trust Me?" Is the question God asked me this morning. And I am ashamed to say that my answer is, "Yes. No. Sometimes?" I know He can do amazing things, I just struggle to believe that He will anymore...because He hasn't for awhile. Make sense?

I realized on Sunday that for the past couple of weeks, I've been mad. Mad at God. Sometimes I think we don't even know that we are. We're mad at the situation. We're mad at people around us for not understanding enough or trying to understand too much or just for being near enough to get burned by our emotions. We're mad at what was and what isn't and what we didn't get. We're mad because there's nothing, nothing we can do to change it!

But on Sunday morning, as we drove to church, Ben was sharing something he had been reading and he said something about people being angry with God when things are out of their control and it was like an arrow flew through the dewy morning and pierced my crusted heart. Mad...

And so, the ice that had been ever so slowly been encasing my wounded heart, cracked a little. And then with the first words of the sermon that morning, "I lift my eyes up to the mountains. Where does my help come from?" the tears began to fall from my eyes. The ice began to melt.

We're climbing up a steep mountain right now. And our eyes are fixed on the supposed "prize" at the top but we're missing out on what is around us as we struggle to find the next hold for our hands, the next rocky indent for our feet. We miss the tiny yellow flower blooming in the middle of lifeless rock. The gentle sound of flowing water down the mountain creek. The pretty bird singing it's happy tune in the nearby tree. And we say, "Where ARE You, God?!" all the while missing the small glimpses He gives of Himself to sustain us.

"My help comes from the Lord. Maker of heaven and earth." Cannot He who made the heavens, which we cannot even fathom, and the earth with it's vibrant colors and abundant life, help us?

"He will not let your foot slip. He who watches over you will not slumber." My heart has believed that My Father has been slumbering and has forgotten us. Slumbering while we cry out for mercy and just a small taste of His goodness.

He spoke to me that morning, wiped my tears that fell without restraint down my cheeks, and said, "Wait on Me. Hope in Me. I am not slumbering while You call upon My name. I hear You. I see You. I love you."

My tears fell at His feet and He wiped them with the hem of His robes. He lifted some of the burden from my shoulders and gave me some of His strength to keep hoping and trusting. And while we're waiting, we can keep loving those around us and looking for ways to Honor Him and bless Him. I pray my words of complaint will turn to words of blessing and hope. That my tears of sadness and frustration will turn to tears of hope and joy. And that our story will be one of hoping in the midst of pain and beauty that comes from ashes.

Stinkiness.

Sometimes life stinks. And there's really no way around it and no words to take that feeling away. Does that make me faithless? Maybe. I really hope not. But I am being honest and have never been able to mask my emotions or feelings well. I've never been able to decide if that is a blessing or a curse!

Two days after the great Scottish Disappointment, we received another blow. A "kick a man while he's down" kind of blow. And we're reeling a bit, trying to pull ourselves together. Trying to muster up enough hope to believe all of encouraging "just wait and trust and hope" words that people are offering to us out of love.

But honestly, it's really hard sometimes, after multiple knock-downs to get back up again. We are getting back up. We're limping a little, patching up our bumps and bruises and blindly pushing forward but it's really hard some days. We are in a place where pretty much every door has been closed and we have no idea where to go or what to do. It would be the perfect time for a miracle.

Some might have the first impulse to tell us to buck up and get over this and let it go. We will let this go and move on but we also need a period to grieve and quite frankly, we really do need a miracle to happen for our future.

This week on facebook, I saw that a girl I knew growing up, who is somewhat older than me, is battling cancer. Most of the comments were very encouraging, filled with prayers and hope for a victory. But there was one woman, who is a family member, who responded with, "Maybe this wasn't in your plan but it was definitely in God's plan for you this year! Prayers!"

Really?? Is that comforting? Because I don't think that this world was supposed to be full of brokenness and cancer and constant disappointment and discouragement. Maybe I took a bit of offense because of what we are going through this week. I just think if more people were honest about their struggles (or if others let them be honest) they would probably not grin and bear it and say, "Oh well! Cancer smancer! Must've been God's will for me! Yea!" I think most people probably say, "Why God? Why is this good for me? This hurts. This stinks. I'm having trouble trusting You right now. Please help me to lean on You in this time." Right?

The analogy that keeps coming to mind to describe what we are going through is a couple hoping for a baby. They try and try to have a baby and every month there is disappointment. Or maybe they just lost a baby. Would you say to them, "Oh, well, that was just God's will. There was probably something wrong with the baby and it is better off now. At least you know you can have children! Or God must have a different plan for you!"

Some people do say that and probably mean it in all ignorant sincerity and love. But I have heard mothers and fathers respond with, "But we wanted that baby. We are grieving the loss of that child that we longed to hold in our arms. That child was the one that we were already dreaming about and planning for." And maybe after many losses or many disappointments, they start to wonder if it will ever happen. If their dream will ever be fulfilled.

That's exactly what this feels like. No, we didn't lose a child. We lost a dream. We lost a hope. For the fourth time. And it was probably the one we hoped for the most.

I feel like I am in a battle every 5 minutes. First, the disappointment of what is not to be hits me or the discouragement of the unknown and I feel really down and all sorts of other emotions and then I push myself, with a sigh, to think of things to be thankful for. Because there always is something to be thankful for.

I'm going to write them out because maybe if they are in front of me, it will help me to think of more.

1. I am (mostly) thankful that Ben got the interview at St Andrews because it really pushed him back into work mode and showed him that he isn't supposed to walk away from academia yet. (What that looks like, we have no idea!) And it was a really good experience for him.

2. Ben has a job for a couple more months. Every day is a day to be thankful for and I will try really hard to focus on that and not on the negative part.

3. We were surrounded by love and prayers of SO many people last weekend/early this week. There are a lot of people who do want good things for us and who sometimes have faith for our future when we cannot.

4. Our children are healthy and strong. I pray the uncertainty of our life won't affect them too much and that through this we can set an example of faith and trust. Or at least continuously and honestly seeking God and asking for more faith and the ability to trust.

5. I am forever thankful to some very personal answers to prayer in the past year, that are more important than a job. When I focus on those, it puts things into better perspective.

It really helps me to write out and process through all that we are feeling. As I always say, there is a lot of good in our life. People that we are incredibly blessed to know and love. Our own little family.  We're just going through one of those times that we know we will probably look back on a few years from now and say "Oh, that's why we went through that (or maybe we'll never know.)" Or we will be able to see how it all worked out. Maybe we'll get our miracle or at least some answers to prayer.

I know my posts this week carry heaviness and heaviness is something most of us like to avoid, including me! We are working through this, pushing forward and continuing to ask for prayers for peace, for us to trust and for God to open up something for us. Soon. Sometimes faith isn't all roses and plastic grins on our faces. Sometimes it looks like putting one foot in front of the other and making the choice to believe, even in the moments you don't feel it. Sometimes it's hanging on because there is no other option and you know deep down, under the hurt, that God will not let you go and His new mercies are waiting around the corner. New every morning.

And to end on a lighter note and to show that we are continuing with normal life while we deal with this: while Ben is making up hours at work today from his trip this week, I am spending the day at home with my munchkins, putting them to work! So far we have tackled the basement, which was in quite an embarrassing state, and now they are attempting to clean their room. Eliana just walks around with a bag putting random things in it to "put away." She gets sidetracked with putting Baby Anna to bed or serenading us with screeches on an old recorder she found, or getting dressed in the most mismatched craziest, three year old outfits you ever saw.

Last night, Ben worked late and after dinner, the kiddos and I all snuggled in our bed with jammies on and the space heater running to fight off the cold and we read books for half an hour; one story for each of them:)

It's these moments that bring us peace and comfort. We know deep down, whatever hourly struggles we have, that we will be okay. God hasn't left us in the darkness and forgotten about us. He is God and He is love and mercy and peace.

Growing Pains!

We've been feeling a little Christmas-y over here this week and have been hanging lights, baking cookies, playing in the snow and listening to Christmas music!

Okay, who am I kidding? I am the one who has been hanging lights, baking cookies and listening to Christmas music! With Eliana, my little helper, of course:) We were busy out and about yesterday but a lot of the week we have been sticking close to home because it is just freezing outside!!

I was very thankful that our neighbor offered to drive the boys to school and home today (I take her son to/from every day and he comes to church with us!). I was worried about taking Eliana and Baby C out in this frigid weather so it was definitely a blessing. We stayed home and cleaned and baked Cranberry Orange Bread instead:)

As this year is quickly drawing to a close, we are finding ourselves thinking long and hard about what this last year has been for us. It wasn't anything like what we thought or hoped it would be but yet in the end, it was exactly what we needed and asked for. A year of growth.

Yes, I think that is exactly what we should call this year; The Year of Growth. Growth tends to make you think of green plants sprouting, blooming, vibrancy and joy. But if we are being honest (which I like to be on my blog!), we would admit that growth actually is incredibly painful. Spiritual growth, anyways! It involves breaking, humbling, shearing away of hard parts of your heart so that the new life can burst through and begin to bloom. So you can begin to hear the Father's quiet voice again.

That is exactly what is happening to us. I posted a couple months ago about what a difficult season this has been for us and it absolutely has been. Painful, crushing and sometimes hopeless. But God is beginning to answer all of our prayers over these past months and is filling us with new life and hope!

Do we have any answers to our problems or future yet? Nope! But we are sensing God moving and working and filling us up for what is to come. It feels exciting and scary all at the same time! Maybe our next year will be an adventure. Who knows?

All I know is that we are getting ready. Slowly, painfully, and hopefully getting ready. And we are starting by actually being thankful (mostly) for this past year and the pain it has brought. I'm sure we will feel the thankfulness even more as the freshness of the pain begins to heal and we are filled more and more with peace and hope.

Peace and hope are pretty powerful!

"Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ." Philemon 1:3

He hears.

Wow. God is good. I opened up my heart to you, my family and friends last week and I received several comments and messages, even from some people who didn't know what I wrote, telling me that they prayed for us. God has heard your prayers.

We went to our marriage conference this weekend and it was SO so good; so much better than we even expected. God really spoke to us about some stuff and on Friday night after we got home, we stayed up and talked til 12:30 in the morning! And in that time, God revealed some really big things, especially to Ben, that are just key for healing and walking through this waiting period. We felt such relief and PEACE and it has just stayed with us this entire weekend!

Even though waiting and not knowing are really difficult, God is showing us that He does love us and is hearing our prayers to Him!! He is hearing your prayers and we feel a lot more hope walking into this week, that we haven't felt in awhile. Please keep praying for healing, for peace and for hope!!

And thank you, from the bottom of my heart. For reaching out, for blessing us with your words of love, grace and comfort and for lifting us up to our heavenly Father.

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I never got to take Samuel out on our special time together (a.k.a. date) last month because we have such limited time in our week for such things so yesterday morning before church (we go to a late morning service), I took him to Panera! He chose to sit at a table near the window so we could see the beautiful sunshine and he gobbled up a cinnamon roll while we played hangman, laughed, talked about his Halloween costume (very original!) and even wrote down a few things he wants for Christmas:)

I can't tell you what a joy it is, to be out and at your best, away from any other distractions or stressors, just spending time with these precious little people individually. I hope and pray we can continue to do little things like this to show them how important they are!
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Eliana, just a mere two weeks away from turning three, is entering what I am affectionately dubbing "The Year of the Tantrum." Our little angel is definitely becoming more and more independent ("I'm helping myself!!" she says) and when she doesn't get her way, WATCH OUT! I'll sum up yesterday in a nutshell for you: crowded Target, me trying to buckle Eliana back into the front of the cart in the checkout line, screaming, more screaming, me laughing and walking as fast as I could to get out of the store, screaming even louder (her, not me!), stares from people and time-out in the car.

It takes about 3 minutes for her to work her way through her tantrum and then she's as docile as a kitten, hiccupping her sorry's and coming to you for hugs. But those 3 minutes? Some of the longest and loudest of your life!!! Oh yea, threes.....

In her good moments (which far outweigh the not-so-fun), it is easy to plan out some special things we are planning for her big day! She's still not ready for a big party so we're just doing some fun little family things and at her request, Dora will be the theme:) We're pretty excited about the little gifts we are going to get her. She's easy to please!

Except when she's having a tantrum, of course....;)
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Zakkai had a playdate on Friday afternoon with a new friend. I went to pick him up later and it was really cute to see him interacting with his friend. He doesn't have many friends that aren't Samuel's friends first so this was so good for him! They were playing catch and the other boy was being so encouraging and sweet with Z, which he doesn't get often from the neighborhood kids. Z is a pretty cool kid and he needs to be built up in confidence so that he knows it, too!!
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I leave you with a recipe. No, not an apple one because I wasn't thrilled with the new ones I tried and I have been banned from sharing the secret family apple pie recipe, under penalty of family disownment:) But this one is a really good one anyways!

Pasta Fagioli Soup

1 lb ground beef or turkey
1/2 cup celery, diced
1/2-3/4 cup carrots, diced
1/4 cup onion, minced
2 cans diced tomatoes with garlic, basil and oregano
2 can beans, cannellini and/or pinto
2 cups noodles (ditalini or elbow)
1 jar Prego spaghetti sauce
2-3 cans, 14.5 oz each, beef broth
Shredded Parmesan cheese

Preparation:
1. Brown meat in a bit of oil with celery, carrots and onions until meat is no longer pink. Add tomatoes, beans, spaghetti sauce and broth and simmer until veggies are tender and beans are cooked.

2. Add noodles about 20 minutes before serving and simmer until cooked. Serve with shredded Parmesan cheese.

*This is a great soup to freeze. If freezing, freeze BEFORE adding the noodles. Just add noodles when you reheat soup in a pot.

Wonderful fall soup! Enjoy!

Big Girl!

I know my words from the other night were hard to read. They were hard to write, too. But as hard as it is to share the struggles you go through, I am a firm believer in community and reaching out to others. I think that's what Jesus would want us to do. Sometimes it's okay to admit that you can't do it on your own and you need a little encouragement or prayer or support. And that's where we are now, I guess. So thank you, so very much, for reaching out and offering your prayers and thoughts.
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On a lighter note....

 
Need I say more??

Samuel and Eliana worked to make a nice block chair last night and Eliana added the "ottoman" herself:) She is looking too grown-up these days! Her hair has grown long enough that she can easily tuck it behind her ear.

Such a silly girl!

Samuel and Zakkai are so good with Eliana. They both know how to distract her from tantrums and pull her out of her moods and make her laugh and smile. They are such good boys!

This morning, right after dropping the bros off at school, Eliana, Baby C and I raced over to a garage sale that I had seen listed on Craigslist because they had a twin bed for sale! We got a good deal on Miss E's new-to-her big girl bed and when the lady saw how much Eliana loved this little doll cradle, she threw it in for free!

Now Baby Anna finally has a place of her own to rest her weary head;) All the way to the sale, Eliana kept saying "Are we getting a bed for Baby Anna, too?" And I kept telling her no, it was just a bed for her but lo and behold, I was wrong! She was so happy to get home and tuck her little baby in:)

I will post pictures of E's new bed as soon as we find a mattress! Any ideas where to find a cheap one?

I am off to pick-up Samuel from school. Zakkai has a play-date that he is super excited about (and Samuel is super jealous about...) so it will be strange to just bring home one boy!

This weekend we are going to a marriage conference at our church and the boys are really excited to watch a movie and play at church tonight and tomorrow morning. Hopefully, it will be good and we will learn something new about each other and our marriage:)

And hopefully this weekend I will post some recent tasty recipes. Maybe even an apple one, if you're lucky. (Don't worry, not the secret pie recipe!)

Have a good Friday...

Waiting.

Waiting. So much of human life is waiting. As a child, waiting for your birthday or Christmas. Waiting for a special treat. Waiting for morning when it's time to play again. Waiting to get your ears pierced. When you get a little older, more waiting. Waiting to get your license. Waiting to have your first kiss or first date. Waiting for summer, when school is out. Waiting to graduate from high school. You grow up a little more and wait a little more. Waiting to meet someone special. Waiting to get married. Waiting to finish your schooling degree. Waiting for a baby. Waiting for a home. Waiting for a job. Waiting for the "next" thing.

Always waiting. Waiting for fulfillment. Waiting for hope. Waiting with an emptiness that longs to be filled.

We are in a season of waiting. Probably our hardest one yet. We have kept most of our struggle with it to ourselves, only sharing with a few. But oh, how hard this has been. This year, filled with some triumphs and some big disappointments. Filled with deep struggle, depression, hope, hope deferred, breaking free of isolation, love, faith, doubt. Waiting.

My heart wants to share tonight. So many nights I come to my blog, my safe little place to write and I have no easy words bubbling up. No silly stories that want to be shared or light moments from our day to day life. All too often this year, especially in the past 4 months, there is only silence. Sadness.

Oh, there are light moments. There are silly stories. There is joy. There is peace. I don't make those things up. There are small ways that we can see God working. But in between those days? There is pain, hopelessness, fear, worry, deep struggle.

You see, we left our home 10 years ago to follow God. We prayed and asked people and believed with our whole hearts that this was the journey we were supposed to go on. Everyone supported us, no one told to wait, no "yellow" lights flashed. We heard "Go" and we went.

It was so, so hard to move away from home for the first time. We were only 3 1/2 hours away but it felt like 3 days. The first 2 years, we didn't form close friendships because we figured out we'd be moving on and it hurt too much to lose those friendships. When the time came to move to Chicago, however, we vowed that the next season would be different. We would open our hearts and build a community around us, no matter the cost. And we did.

For five years, we were surrounded with the most amazing people! Many of them left and moved on, many more came. Those people got us through the hardest years we have ever faced in our lives. Many days of homesickness for me, days where I cried and longed and mourned over not being close to my family and missing out on life with them. Years where Ben lost sleep and so much precious time with our family because of his school work. He was driven by faceless task masters, demanding he give his all to them, not to God, not to family and all without encouragement and with very little support. Years where I dreaded Saturdays because we didn't get to have a weekend together like most people. Terrible financial struggles. We faced many moments of brokenness and healing, reaching the end of our rope many times.

But still we continued, with that faint light at the end of the tunnel dangling far in front of us, like a carrot on a stick. We chugged, "We can do it, we can do it," like the Little Engine That Could. One day at a time. And when we would dangle at the end of the rope, unexpected blessings would come that would give us the courage to keep going, to keep fighting.

We moved away from our little community for our boys' schooling and slowly slid into isolation. Healing from lost relationships and a painful break in our church, not able to find a new church. We moved a little farther away. Ben started working two jobs and working on his dissertation and I was left at home with no one to turn to. It was a really hard year. Last year, we began to breath again. Ben won a fellowship and had to work from home the whole year. We got to spend some time together as a family in a way we never had before. We sputtered and limped towards the finish line, still seeing that goal, that "promise" we thought we had of how God would use these years of sacrifice.

We crossed the finish line, we danced around like Rocky on the top of a mountainous staircase, we celebrated. And then? And then nothing. We collapsed. Ben didn't know how to rest or what to fight for anymore, so weary and broken down. Didn't know how to just be after so many years of driving beyond normal capabilities. We didn't have "the" job or life that we thought we were working for all these years. Idols and hope and dreams and out-of-whack priorities were ripped away.

And here we sit. Debt repayment looming. Ben working a job in seclusion in a basement. The longing for family has resurfaced with a vengeance. The overwhelming thoughts and anxieties of NOT KNOWING what the heck we are going to do next year or where we will be. Or if we can survive more waiting. Or if there will be a job. Or if it will look anything like we always thought it would. Or if we can still hang on to hope.

Waiting. Is it filled with growth? yes. Is it filled with hope for new things and beginnings? sometimes. Is it filled with good things? yes. People we love? yes. Good school for the boys? yes. An area we enjoy living in? yes. Learning to trust and depend on God in a whole new way? yes. yes. and yes.

So I can't complain all the time because there are blessings! But I also can't pretend all the time that we always enjoy the learning and growth. It's actually really painful. There is so much I cannot even share, except with my closest prayer warriors. So when I don't write here as often as I would like, now you know that sometimes, sometimes the "nice words" just don't want to come. Sometimes there is just silence. Or tears. Or weariness. Or heartache. The fear of sharing too much and coming across as a grumbler, when I know it could be so much worse. It could be SO much worse.

I do know, deep down, especially on the good days, that someday we will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. We will have our "aha" moments and our story to share with others to encourage them during their difficult seasons. We will have days coming, I pray, when we can really feel God's presence on a daily basis and see Him working in our lives in big ways. We will have purpose again. We will.

But for now, will you pray for us? For encouragement, especially for Ben. For hope. Direction and purpose and clarity.

This is our season, the good and the difficult, the joy and the pain. Waiting...

What a Week!

Man, oh, man! Is it only Thursday?? Z has had such a rough week:( He coughed and cried for me alll night and woke up with a 102 temp this morning so I called the drs office 2.4 seconds after they opened and got him in a.s.a.p.



The dr did a breathing treatment right away because his oxygen level was a little low and he was wheezing and had a "squeak" in his lung. Poor baby:( You could see his belly sucking in so far to get air in. The dr was very relieved to hear, after the breathing treatment, that his airways were much more open and sent us home with a prescription for steroids and an inhaler.



Meet Zakkai's medicine shelf:


And that's not including the mask that he has to wear for the inhalers and the vaporizer that is running most of the day and the vaseline that I am now having to reapply to his poor upper lip/nose because it is getting raw again.



Man, oh man! Someone give this poor kid a break! It's been a month now. He made it to 1 whole hour of school this week and never got to bring his birthday treat for his school friends. Hopefully that will change on Monday!


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Samuel came with me after school to pick up our 5 prescriptions and had to use the bathroom while we were there. The door was locked with a keypad so the pharmacist let him in, and Samuel turned around and asked me for some "privacy." I stepped out and a minute later heard, "Mommy!! mommy!" His voice sounded a little panicked and I wondered what in the world could've happened.



I told him he had to let me in because the door was locked. I heard the door click open and stepped in and listened to him sheepishly tell me..."Mommy, my hat fell in the toilet!"



What??!! I looked over, horrified to see his red knitted hat half submerged in public bathroom toilet water. Yuck.And then I laughed incredulously as he told me the toilet tried to swallow it.



The hat came home in a plastic CVS bag and had to get a "bath." Life with children is never dull!!!


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I have felt so overwhelmed and unorganized lately, despite my attempts to weed through things at our house and simplify. Just feeling like I have no time to accomplish things that are important to me like quiet times, exercise, crafting, etc. (not to constantly trying to remember to pay bills, fill out paperwork for school, making phone calls, and trying desperately to get caught up on bdays!)because I am so busy taking care of this household and this family.



I tend to beat myself up over things not being able to accomplish it all, wondering how it is that "other people" (whoever these phantom people are!" can do it and I can't.



I set the bar too high for myself with this ideal "perfect mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter/woman." And I fail over and over and over again. And really, is it any wonder?



And then today I gave myself a little grace for the first time. Grace? What's that? Grace for myself? You mean I don't have to be...perfect?



I was taking a shower tonight and unwinding before getting ready for bed and thought, "Wait. I know that I really want and need to fit more things into my schedule like exercising and crafting (I finally figured out a way to get in a quiet time) but...BUT maybe there is a good reason why I can't right now... like I don't know, I've not had a good night's sleep since October (or really before that if you think about end-stage pregnancy) with Sweet Miss's arrival, I've had a seriously sick child for a whole month now and I've been doing time and a half since Ben has been extra busy."



Oh-hhh. Maybe that's why I am too tired at night to do anything other than check the computer and fall asleep reading a book. Maybe, just maybe that's a pretty good reason to just slow down and be in the evenings until I build myself back up enough so I can take care of myself.



Wow, so that's grace? Freedom. Freedom from guilt.

I should try this again sometime.

Fear and Freedom

Fear: (as defined by dictionary.com)

"a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. "

I struggle with fear. I think the most intense battle I have ever had with fear, I fought about a year and a half ago, not long after my back injury. I went to a women's retreat, which I REALLY didn't want to go to and ended up really being set free from some things from my past. My friend who prayed for me warned me not to be surprised if I was spiritually attacked in the next few weeks afterwards. I was. I have never, ever experienced fear like that in my life. It's hard to even put into words what it was like.

But after intense prayer from friends and family and memorizing Bible verses, I was really set free! I really felt peace for the first time in a LONG time. I happen to think that Satan (I really hate typing that word!) really likes to attack us in vulnerable times and sometimes with the same-old, same-old tactics that have always worked before.

Sometimes we are so strong and sometimes we are weak. Maybe I am weak right now because we are coming down off of a couple of months of intense stress. And I'm slightly hormonal and possibly 17 years pregnant....

But I am really struggling with fear right now and I am asking for you to cover me in prayer! What am I afraid of? Right now it's all about the baby. I have longed with my whole heart for a baby girl for...well, it feels like forever! I prayed for her for a year before we got pregnant and we found out about the baby during a really difficult winter season. I had been praying and asking God what He had for us in this next year (we go by academic years around here!) and asked Him to give us some hope and something to really look forward to, to know that He was with us.

He gave us our baby.

I cannot express to you how very much I want her. I dream about her, try to imagine what she looks like. I think thoughts to her and even talk outloud to her when no one else is around. I have prepared so many things for her. We named her so early on and she is a part of our family already!

And I am so very afraid lately of losing her. Or something happening to me.

So why this fear? Probably because from a very early age I learned something from my earthly father. To be afraid and to expect bad things to happen because I "deserved" it. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something I want very badly? Sure, here it is...and then take it away! It happened a lot to me as a child. Cruel things that left a deep scar on my heart and affected how I even view my heavenly Father.

Everytime I work through things, God gets a little deeper into my heart; underneath the scars and old wounds that I thought were healed. A lot of fear roots were scraped out during and after that women's retreat I went to. But there is still some there.

And I'm asking you to pray for the rest of the roots to be pulled out so I can really experience freedom and peace! I want to trust that God is with me no matter what happens. But also to feel peace as I wait to hold this precious baby in my arms in just a few weeks. I want freedom!

Freedom to live and to be thankful for the many, many blessings I have in my life!