Life-sized Olaf and Reminders.

I had a buddy with me all day today....Samuel! He had to stay home from school because his fever didn't break until sometime in the night (and the whole 24 hour rule thing...) but he felt pretty good over all today, just minor cold symptoms. It was a typical virus but thankfully, mild! He came with me to drop off E at preschool and run some errands. Boy, can this kid talk!

We had to go return something at Kohl's and we came across a life-sized Olaf! Samuel wanted a picture with his arm around him to show Eliana and Zakkai:) This Olaf only costs $250!

````````````````````````````````
I was really affected by something today and it took me by surprise. I was doing a quick scroll through FB (I really don't like FB overall but I can't stop checking it everyday! Darn that non-erasable app on my phone!) and I saw that one of Ben's former professors got tenure today and they had a big celebration at the school, which was well deserved, of course!

But I was surprised by the sudden tears in my eyes and lump in my throat. Half happy for this professor, who has worked so hard for this huge accomplishment and half sad for another reminder of our broken dream. Once upon a time it should have been us.

Sometimes people think or even I think that Ben was the only one left with a broken heart this past year. And it was broken. But it was my heart, too. I put in just as much time and sacrifice as he did over the past 9+ years and we have absolutely nothing to show for it except a dusty doctorate degree that sits propped up on a dresser. It's a miracle it is even out, as it was shoved into a drawer for most of last year. A painful reminder of brokenness and the ashes of a long-time dream.

Now, that is not to say we don't have joy now because we do. We have a lot of peace, too, about where we are now. We are in a place of healing and being loved by our Savior in a way we've needed for a long time. So, it's a good place to be. But that doesn't mean it isn't a painful place to be and that's hard for people to understand. That's hard for us to understand! How can you have joy and pain at the same time? It's hard to fathom but we know it when people make comments or ask innocent questions or former schoolmates ask Ben questions about what he is doing currently or why he wasn't at the big annual conference a few weeks ago and our eyes meet and we know each other's pain without even having to speak it aloud.

I guess the thing to be thankful for is that even though it didn't work out like we hoped or thought or wanted, even though we have no idea if it ever will work out, we can trust that God loves us and He is a Redeemer and our time here on earth, our experiences, our suffering doesn't go to waste. Most of the time faith is trusting even amidst unanswered "why's" and knowing He loves you and letting that be enough.

So I am choosing to trust even in the moments of unexpected tears and painful reminders and to put my hope in Jesus. He is, after all, the "Reason for the Season" and I am so incredibly thankful for that! And really thankful that our boys, especially, are really starting to understand it on a new level. So many blessings...

More swimming and sweet teeth.

We are staying busy over here in Ohio. My niece has been spending lots of time with us and thinks her cousins are pretty cool:) We were a bit cooped up yesterday without a car and we were all going nuts by the time Ben got home! He had a 2 day job with my brother-in-law, which was nice.

 

Today, though, he left the car so that I could gain some sanity and get my cooped up birdies out and about!

I decided to snap some pics of our cuties while we were driving back to my grandparent's place the other day. Samuel was being moody but we coaxed a smile out of him and I took a picture to tease him:)

So then, of course, Miss E wanted a picture, too!

Zakkai insisted he wanted a picture all by himself. Poor kid gets stuck in the back of the van all the time because Samuel gets carsick very easily and claims the middle seat. Or dominates, I should say! We try to have them switch every so often, despite the grumbling from elder brother.

The two little girls had a fun bath the other day and neither one wanted to get out!! It will be so fun to see these two grow together:)

We were able to get some swimming in today before more thunderstorms came.

It's such a cute pool and the kiddos have a blast!

This is Zakkai listening to my mom telling him that if he is brave enough to go down the slide, she will go, too! That definitely peaked his interest!

Eliana's glasses matched her bathing suit perfectly!

My sweet Mama!

We had some sad news this week, too. My stepdad's brother passed away unexpectedly 2 days ago, which really shook everyone up. He was only 48 years old. It was really a tragic death and their youngest brother is suffering terribly, as they were beyond close. I will be going to the viewing/funeral on Thursday. He was a really quiet man, like my stepdad, but really nice and I was genuinely looking forward to seeing his brothers again now that we are back here. So very sad. We would definitely appreciate prayers for his brothers. (my stepdad and his youngest brother.) It will be very hard for them. Their parents also passed away at early ages and they only have a few aunts and uncles left.

Most of our family are heading out tomorrow for a family wedding so we will be all by our lonesome selves for almost a week. We keep teasing them that here we just moved to be close to everyone and they are all abandoning us! We may take some time to start hunting for a home. Ben also has a couple of interviews for some part time jobs lined up this week. We are praying things will start to come together soon.

If we stay here much longer, we will have to curb the dessert eating! My grandparents have some serious sweet teeth and it's a very bad influence on us;) We haven't minded too much, of course, as we have our own set of sugar-lovin' teeth but it will be good for us to behave!

Remind me of that when I start craving some of the Caramel Praline Pecan ice cream in the freezer tomorrow.....:)

Snow Fun and Glitter!

 I used to be a fun mom way back in the day. When the boys were little, being so close in age, I was constantly searching for and thinking up really fun activities. I get a pang of nostalgia when I think about those days, with my two little buddies going everywhere I went! And now they are so....so big!
Sniff.

I realized this year that I really dropped the ball where poor Eliana is concerned. She gets spoiled yes, but I don't often do activities with her. She's just my little companion. This winter I have been trying to do a few more crafty fun things with her because she really enjoys them! And before I blink three times, she'll be in preschool. Double sniff!

 

On Tuesday afternoon, while the boys were wrestling in the living room, I grabbed some snow (of which we have plenty!) from outside and put in in a big container, handed Eliana her mittens and a few measuring cups and containers and just let her play! After a little bit, I added a few drops of blue food coloring and later some red (which made for a very strange gray-ish purple color!). She mixed and scooped and made some snow cookies!

 

We had actually just finished making real cookies together, hence the apron:) She was my faithful little chef helper and we whipped up a batch of snickerdoodles. Yum!

There is another craft I have had my eye on for a few weeks. It's called many things: a Time-Out Bottle, Mind Bottle, Calming Bottle, etc. I finally got the remaining ingredients today and we tried it out! Apparently this was all the rage a couple years ago on Pinterest. I am obviously behind the times:)

I got the tall bottles (with the orange drink) from the dollar store. The label was so easy to rip off but it left one long strip of stickiness on both. I tried lemons, vinegar and scrubbing and they only seemed to get stickier. I don't make a habit of having Goo Gone or whatever it is lying around so I did a little research and then I found Homemade Goo Remover. Seriously, try this stuff!! I whipped up a quick batch and in 4 minutes, the stickiness was completely gone! Wow.

So after I solved our sticky dilemma, Eliana and I made our first Calming Bottle with her color choice of purple:) Here it is settled at the bottom.

We added purple, pink and silver glitter!

Curious little face in the backround:)

And here it is shaken up! The point of the bottles is to shake them up and hand them to your child (or a stressed adult:) and they watch the glitter fall as they calm down. You can use them in time-out or just at a time where you need them to calm down and refocus.

She loves the colors!

Unfortunately, the purple on was too thick (I added too much glue) and it was taking to long to settle so she lost interest. I made another batch in a jar and it was much better!

This afternoon, Eliana and Baby Anna went to a "baseball game." I thought they were going to watch but apparently Baby Anna was going to play! She is a very talented baby.

Aw, look, a little Cubs fan. That should make a Grandma-Great happy!

"NO MORE PICTURES!" she was growling at me! But who can resist a messy-haired, purple glasses wearing, adorable three year old?

Here are the two final products of today's experiment! Notice the blue bottle is shorter and leans to the right? Ah yes, that would be where I made a very silly, thoughtless mistake and poured WAY too hot of water into the bottle and shrunk it. Hmm.

And all shaken! They may not be as perfect as all the Pinterest-y perfect people but they are still pretty!

``````````````````````````````````````````
Maybe some of this new-found resolve to do crafts with Eliana or quilt again or busy myself is just distraction. Okay, let's be honest, it is. It is helping me to stay busy and keep my mind off of things. It's my down-time moments that are the hardest for me. The quiet moments without little interrupting voices. The idle times when my brain has time to think. While washing dishes or taking a shower or driving somewhere.

They really aren't my favorite moments right now because although I spend much of them praying, I also spend most of them with a heavy sadness that I can't shake. I am really battling my loss of hope right now. I heard a song on the radio today by a peppy Christian artist and she was jamming away about how God was like lotion on her face (or something weird like that) and that she would be totally fine no matter what came her way, etc.

And here I am in a place, that I am ashamed and heartbroken to admit, where I thought she must not have experienced heartbreak herself. Because I don't feel okay right now. I don't feel filled up, even though I am crying out to be filled right now. I feel a little empty and it's very hard to think of hoping again. I'm in one of those places where you wonder, even while you're trying not to wonder, why things seem to work out so easily for some people? And why it's so hard for other people to catch a break sometimes. And you start to wonder if God will ever bless you or fulfill the desires of your heart.

Or even more, were we crazy to have come and done all of this and can God really ever use it? Or does He want to?

My Grandma, in all of her love and wisdom, always reminds me never to envy other people who seem to have a picture perfect life. Because you never know what's really going on behind closed doors or what they may have to face in the future.

It's true and honestly 99% of the time I don't envy anyone else and truly feel very very happy for all of our friends and family who seem to be having prayers answered left and right and are in a good place right now. It's that crappy 1% of the time where I feel hurt and disappointed and I wonder if maybe God forgot about us or maybe we didn't do something right.

Yes, I know my theology is crap in all of this. Theology doesn't really play a huge part when your emotions are taking over. And my emotions are kind of a roller coaster at the moment!

The good thing is, this disappointment, coupled with some days off of school, have pushed me to just enjoy time with my kids and stay busy and focused on them. I have had some really good times with them in the past week. Playing Legos (and cleaning them up!), making cookies, watching movies, talking and just being together. I'm often too harried and tired and dreading the bewitching dinner hour to really focus on the boys and enjoy them. Or too busy fitting in all my errands on Tuesdays with Eliana; my one day with just her and a car.

It has felt really good to listen to their stories, hang around them and be lazy and busy all together and to pour myself into them right now. I am so incredibly thankful for my sweet-hearted Samuel, who tells me in great detail about every book he reads (he is really into Hardy Boys right now!) and who loves to joke with us and do his magic tricks on us.

And for my fuzzy-haired Zakkai with his "owl-brow" as we call it; for his love in figuring out how things work and his earnest little face when he wants to tell us all about his new discoveries and for his newfound love for reading "Magic Tree House" books and how proud he is!

And for Eliana, with her happy, dimpled smile that shows us how very securely loved she is. For her little mommy-ness that cares so gently (with a few exceptions!) for her babies, esp Baby Anna, and her love of all things pink and purple; her need to be hugged and held, and how she loves to be a helper.

And for my Ben; who I now know I can face anything in life with. We've had some really, really dark days together these past 8 years and some truly amazing moments and he is, without a doubt, my best friend in the whole world.

I think of these things and I can see God in them, even when I am not sure what He's doing with the rest of our life. It's all about perspective.

Hope Deferred...

Scotland, the land of sheep, green hills, lilting burrs and rainy skies, although a place that I long to visit is sadly, not to be our home for the next 3 years.

It's very hard when you have something like this in front of you, not to engage your heart; to hope for it,  to dream about it, plan for it a little. I knew that it would hurt if they said no and I tried to hold my heart in check but unfortunately, I have one of those hearts that refuses to listen and insists on never-ending hope and dreaming, darn it.

I am taking it much harder than Ben. Can I just say that I am so incredibly proud of my husband? He took a big risk to work for this and fly all the way across the ocean and into a culture and system that he doesn't know and he rocked it. Despite the disappointment that he feels, he has immediately found many things to be thankful for. The honor of such an invitation, the fact that he was short-listed and in the top 4, the fact that an extremely well-known scholar in the New Testament was there to listen to his lecture, the kind treatment that he received from everyone he met there, making it a far better experience than his interview last year. The fact that this is one more interview under his belt, increasing his knowledge and experience in that area. And more.

My Ben has handled this with such grace and dignity and I am SO very proud of him. He has grown so much in this past year. He has stared down the abyss of emptiness and confusion and unbelief and has come out on the other side, stronger, gentler, humbler and more sure than ever of Jesus, his reason for living and continuing to hope.

I wish that I could say I was as mature about this! I hope that I will be after I have processed this for a couple more days. I am pretty sad and emotional about it. Despite people's concerns about all of the details of the job or how I would handle being farther away from family or maybe their expectations about where we should or should not be, we were ready to go. It was really exciting to dream about. It would've been an absolutely amazing experience, even with the difficulties!

Trust me, we have faced difficulties; more than most people know. We are not the same people that we were when we started our first adventure in leaving home 10 1/2 years ago. We have been strengthened, broken, rebuilt, challenged and stretched in ways we never ever imagined, let alone asked for!

But that's the thing about being open to what God has for you. It may not look like or be like you expected. In fact, chances are, it won't! But it will be good. In the end, despite all of the pain or growth you experience, it will be good. If you allow God to work in you and are open to the growth.

I couldn't have gone on an adventure overseas 10 years ago. I couldn't have left my home, my family, my comfort zone. But then I took the big baby step of moving out of state. And then a little further a couple of years later. And as difficult as some of these years have been, I am thankful for them. I like the fact that I am stronger. I like the fact that I can say yes to an adventure. Okay....most adventures! There are a few things I can name off that I would not like to do! I like the fact that I know I can rely on God and draw closer to my husband and be okay, even without my family or my comfort zone nearby.

I have wanted to go visit Scotland since a very young age. As a matter of fact, probably a week after Ben got the email with the invitation, I remembered a Scottish magazine that I had bought years ago that I kept because I loved it so. The pictures, the dreams of such an incredibly beautiful place and different way of life. A place that captures my heart. And believe it or not, the main focus of the magazine was this really cool place called St. Andrews. Go figure.

I created a folder on my computer this past month named, simply, "Scotland." I am not sure yet whether to delete it immediately or to save it to look through the websites and pictures when the pain isn't quite as sharp and the disappointment has faded a bit.

I will be okay. I am not crushed. I am strong. We are strong. God is faithful and continues to give us hope, even when we think it's all depleted or we think we can't do this again. I will continue to pray for the next adventure or open door to come (soon) and to hope for it.

But I think it's okay for me to be sad right now and take a little bit of time to work through that.  I think it's okay not to need to hear all the reasons why this specific thing didn't work out or why it wasn't good for us and to just want to have a listening ear and compassionate hearts reaching out. There is a verse that explains this well, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." And maybe someday soon, we'll get to experience the 2nd part of that verse. I want to believe that. I will choose to believe it.

Over and over again.